Until the End
by Lifeisacircle
Summary: Everything was so serene. The only sound was the drip of the blood on the tiles. The blood looking extremely out of place in the all white bathroom. Draco could feel himself getting weaker and he sank down to the ground. He was ready to die. Contains self-harm, will eventually contain mature content. MalexMale (DracoxHarry)
1. Chapter 1

Until the End

Draco had been having nightmares ever since the war ended.

After Harry defeated Voldemort, Draco had almost been sentenced to receive the Dementor's kiss. He had given in to the fact that he was going to die, embraced it even. But the saviour of the world had to speak up in Draco's defense.

And that's how Draco had ended up where he currently was. In Harry fucking Potter's house.

At first, the nightmares hadn't been too bad, but they got worse quickly, to the point where he would wake up screaming. He placed silencing charms around his room every night to keep from waking up Potter. It wouldn't do for the hero to lose sleep.

The nightmares were of the times during the war. They were more like memories since they were almost all true. He remembered the way his father had come to him the first time. The night that Dumbledore died. Or the night that he had been unable to do as the Dark Lord ordered. Lucius had been furious, unforgiving, and very, very drunk. He remembered the way Lucius had forced himself onto him, despite his protests, his mother's protests.

Draco shuddered. At least that bastard had gotten what he deserved.

That night, Draco woke up covered in sweat and with bruises on his arms from where he had gripped them so tight. He willed the images that haunted him out of his mind and sat up, running a hand through his hair. He made his way to the bathroom and glanced in the mirror. He looked like shit. There were dark circles under his eyes, he was incredibly pale and way too skinny for his age. Not to mention the dark mark that still hadn't faded completely.

Draco knew he was lucky even to be alive, but sometimes, he wished he weren't. He had nothing left to life for, there wasn't really a point. After all, the only thing he did all day was sit around and mope. And Potter let him. Who knows why he had even saved him, fucking Potter doesn't give a damn about him. Nobody does anymore. He's just another death eater. The world would be better off without him anyway.

And Draco made a decision. He was going to end his life. Right then and right there.

He rummaged through the cabinet until he found a muggle razor and tore it apart, throwing away everything except a blade. He took a deep breath and held it to his wrist. 'Nobody loves you,' he reminded himself and pressed the blade a little harder. He felt a slight sting as he dragged it down his arm. He watched as the blood started to pool up and run down his wrist. He stared, fascinated, as it dripped on the floor, one drop at a time.

Everything was so serene. The only sound was the drip of the blood on the tiles. The blood looking extremely out of place in the all white bathroom. Draco could feel himself getting weaker and he sank down to the ground. He was ready to die.

He opened his eyes one more time to take in the beauty of the white room, but found himself looking at green. It was breathtaking and he could feel himself being pulled in. The green was more calming than the white had ever been. Well, at least until is started to speak.

"What the fuck Draco?!" Weird. It sounded a lot like Potter. But Potter didn't call him Draco. And Potter didn't care what happened to him. Draco closed his eyes again and sighed. If the green would stop yelling at him, he could die properly, but it just wouldn't shut up.

"Why the fuck would you do this? Can you stand? We have to get you to a hospital, come on Draco, we have to get you some help," The green said. It sounded sad, confused, angry. Maybe even a little scared. But colours couldn't have feelings. Wait a minute. Colours couldn't talk.

Draco opened his eyes again and found Potter staring at him, trying to pull him up. In his other hand, he held some muggle device that he was talking into.

"Potter?" Draco tried to ask, but he found his mouth wasn't working anymore. He wondered if it was still there. He didn't even know if any of this was real or not. He just wanted to close his eyes and sleep. But the insistent tugging on his hand wouldn't stop.

He opened his eyes and turned to glare, but the green was back. It was different this time though, full of energy. It made him want more and he struggled to stay awake. In the distance he could hear a voice say, "Don't worry Draco, help will be here soon." He didn't know if that was a good thing or a bad thing, but the green was being taken over by the black and he managed to say one last word as his eyes fell shut.

"_Harry..."_


	2. Chapter 2

White. That's what Draco saw when he woke up. But it was different from the white before. This white seemed sad and depressing, not calm and peaceful. This was a new kind of white and he hated it. He went to get out of bed, to get away from the white. He felt like it was swallowing him up, sucking him in. But he was stuck. He found he couldn't move his body at all. Weird he didn't remember anything out of the ordinary. He must have had his usual nightmar- Oh.

The memories all rushed back and Draco found himself getting dizzy. He tried to open his mouth to call out for help, but even his mouth wouldn't move. He was starting to panic. Where was he? What happened?

Was he in heaven? Wait no, stupid question. Someone like him could never go to heaven. Not after what he had done. He remembered the war. The way all the light went out of their eyes. The way he saw their souls leave their bodies. It was as if all the happiness and joy was being kicked out, replaced with darkness and tragedy. All the lives of innocent people. So much death. Even Potter couldn't save them all.

Wait a minute. Potter! Where was he? He had been the one to save him, but how had he known? And why couldn't he just let him die. Draco Malfoy didn't deserve to live.

"You're wrong." What. The. Fuck. Had Potter been there the entire time? And what did he mean Draco was wrong.

"Draco Malfoy does deserve to live." And with that, Harry cancelled the spell that held Draco in place. Draco rushed to sit up, but was overcome with dizziness. Potter steadied him and carefully studied him with those green eyes. "And Draco Malfoy will live."

The green was overpowering. How was he capable of such feeling, such emotion? It was almost as if Potter cared... 'Don't be ridiculous Draco, Harry Potter doesn't give a rat's arse about you, and you know it,' said the voice inside his head. But Potter must have cared about him. He had saved him after all. And who would save someone that they didn't care about? And more than once too!

"You're wrong again." Draco whipped his head towards the voice. He had almost forgotten Potter was right beside him. "I do care about you Draco. I'm sorry you felt otherwise." If Draco had been feeling any better, he would have laughed. As it was, he felt like if he opened his mouth he would either be sick or burst out crying. He gestured to Harry, mimicking drinking a glass of water with his hand.

"Oh-oh, water, um, yes, the uh, the nurse brought some earlier," Potter looked around frantically, almost knocking over a vase. Were those flowers? An even better question would be 'were those flowers for him?'

"Here." A glass of water was shoved in his face and he took it thankfully. After a couple of sips Draco decided to try to talk. He opened his mouth tentatively and he winced, his throat was incredibly dry.

"Potter..." He croaked and Harry rushed back to his side from his place at the window.

"What is it? What's wrong?" If Draco hadn't been feeling like shit he would have smirked. Oh what the fuck, he smirked anyway. Potter was so concerned it was actually quite entertaining.

"Potter, where the hell am I and why the fuck am I here?"

"Oh, well, um, you're in a hospital..."

"Yes Potter, even I gathered that, the real question was why?"

"Well, after I found you in the bathroom-" Draco winced at the reminder, but Potter continued to speak. "-You passed out so I took you here and they fixed up your wrists. You lost a whole lot of blood you know. You almost died."

"You should have let me." Draco muttered beneath his breath and regretted it as soon as he said it. Potter's eyes turned murderous. They really were quite nice eyes. The colour of emeralds and shiny, but they didn't reflect things. No. They drew them in.

"Are you even listening to me?" Oh shit. Draco hadn't even noticed Potter ranting. But as usual, his ranting probably made no sense. "Look Draco-"

"Malfoy."

"Draco," Harry said pointedly, "You were a fool for trying to kill yourself. Why would you do that? Do you know what it did to me? Seeing you there, covered in blood. Barely able to keep your eyes open? Do you know what that would have done to me if you had succeeded? Dammit Draco, why?"

"No, the real question is for you. Why did you save me? Why are you acting like you care about me when I know for a fact that you don't?" Draco was getting mad. It wasn't because of Potter's ranting, no it was because he wanted Potter to care. Maybe then, just maybe, he would be able to move on. At the moment, he was stuck in the past with no way out. And really, the only way to get out of hell is to go even deeper.

"Draco, I do care about you-"

"No you don't, stop lying to me, dammit, I hate liars more than anything."

"Draco. I never lie." Draco turned away. "No Draco, look at me. Look into my eyes, does it look like I'm lying?" And so Draco had to get lost in those seas of green again. The emotion that he saw was strong and heartfelt and it made him feel... Alive. Harry Potter made Draco Malfoy feel alive.

'He's just a good actor,' Whispered the voice inside his head, 'He just wants you to think he cares.' No. The voice was wrong. You can't fake that much emotion. Not even the best actor could do it. So then, Potter must really care about him. But why? When did his feelings change? What had happened? Draco looked at Potter, his eyes full of questions and so he started the only way he knew how.

"Harry..."


	3. Chapter 3

"So, Mr. Malfoy. Would you care to explain why you like pain so much?" Draco snapped out of his thoughts to glare at the therapist. His eyes filled with disgust and he took a moment to calm himself before answering.

"You're wrong. About all of this. You see, I don't like pain, in fact, I hate it as much as the next person. Just because I cut does not mean I like pain. It means that pain is the only feeling strong enough to take over the other ones. People say that happiness is the strongest feeling. Or love. Ha. How wrong they are. You see, pain can be emotional or physical. If fills you up until there's no room for anything left. Pain is the only feeling that can win over the sadness. When I'm sad, all I want is to feel something other than that. Something that makes me feel alive. I don't want to be a shell of a person. And cutting helps. The sting reminds me that I'm only human and humans aren't perfect. The blood reminds me that the sharpest knives and the sharpest words hurt the most. And the cut reminds me that even the worst wounds can heal with the proper attention and over time."

The therapist, god knows her name, sat in silence. Draco stood, giving her a look that clearly said 'we're finished here' and walked out of the room. He didn't get a chance to think about what he had said until he got back to Potter's house. He didn't know where it had come from, but all of it was true.

After he had returned from the hospital, Potter had gone back to ignoring him. 'I told you he didn't care, but you didn't listen to me, did you? No. You had to go off into your little fantasy world.' For once the voice was right. Draco had created a world where Harry Potter had actually cared, where Draco was loved. It was his only escape and even that was changing.

Draco ran a hand through his hair, frustrated. He needed answers.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

"Draco... It's nice to see you up," Potter said from where he lay on the floor. Draco only felt slightly guilty about tackling him the second he had walked in the door.

"Look Potter, I need answers." Harry sighed and sat up looking way less upset than Draco had expected. He had after all, tackled him to the ground.

"Right then, I guess I should have been expecting this, what exactly do you want to know?" Potter was being extremely cooperative, especially considering he had been ignoring Draco for the past two weeks.

"Well, maybe we should start with why the fuck you thought it would be ok to save me that night?" That came out a lot harsher than Draco had meant for it to. "I mean, it's no secret that you don't give a shit about me..."

"Maybe we should discuss this over tea? Earl grey alright with you?" Potter stood up and brushed his pants off before making his way towards the kitchen. He didn't get very far before Draco grabbed his arm, stopping him.

"No, Potter-"

"Call me Harry, please." Merlin Potter was being an idiot today. Draco wouldn't have even considered it, but the green eyes stared at him. There was longing, hope and a bit of disappointment as if Draco had already denied him.

"Fine. Harry, we need to discuss this now. I need to know why you saved my ass that night. And why have you been ignoring me since?" Draco was prepared for every possible reaction. Except for tears. He went into shock when Harry sank back down to the floor and leaned back against the wall. He stood and watched as the colour in Potter's eyes seemed to change. The tears were filling his eyes, threatening to spill over, dulling the bright green.

"I tried to tell you Draco, I really did. And it's all your bloody fault really."

What was Potter going on about now?

"When I walked in that night, when I saw you lying there on the floor, covered in your own blood, I wanted to close my eyes and pretend you were ok. I knew what you were going through, the silencing charms don't work. I've charmed my house against those. I would wake up every night and hear you screaming. But I never went. I closed my eyes, covered my ears and cried myself to sleep. I was to weak to do anything. I just pretended everything was alright and I couldn't hear you. But then that night. Oh merlin, that night I knew. I knew it was all my fault. Fuck Draco. I could have done something. Please don't hate me Draco. Please."

Draco was silent. What do you say to something like that? He knew it wasn't Harry's fault. It was his and only his. But Potter took the silence the wrong way.

"I'm so sorry Draco. So so sorry. I know you can't forgive me, but I don't want you to think I don't care. I do care dammit. How could I not? I've been in love with you since sixth year."

Draco blinked twice, sure he had misheard Potter. He must have. Potter wasn't in love with him. That would be ridiculous. But one glance at Potter confirmed it. The desperation for an answer, any answer was evident in Harry's eyes. And just like that, Draco found his tongue again.

"Harry..."


End file.
